Though Crufts has been going for 125 years this was my very first visit to The World’s Biggest and Best Dog Show, and boy does it exceed every expectation! Here are 16 THINGS I LEARNED IN DOG HEAVEN AT CRUFTS 2016:

1. HOW TO PRONOUNCE BREED NAMES. For years I have been cheerfully going around describing Bodie as a Shar Pei mix, saying Shar like the Shah of Iran but during the Utility Group Finals I heard the commentator saying Sar. I double-checked with the Shar Pei stand at Discover Dogs and that is indeed the correct pronunciation for the famously wrinkled breed pictured below! I also learned that the Bolognese – fluffy white dog from Northern Italy – that I had been pronouncing like the spaghetti sauce ‘bolon-ay-zay’ is in fact Bolon-ease like Pekinese!

2. THE STRANGEST THINGS WILL MOVE YOU. During the Heelwork To Music competition at Crufts 2016 I watched Lucy Heath in her furry legwarmers and lion ears perform with her Bordie Collie Stillmoor Winter Sun to The Circle of Life and felt such a rush of admiration at the finale I let out an almighty whoop. I think I would have lost it completely over the utterly brilliant Freestyle routine to Highway To Hell (click link to view) which had the audience head-banging in delight!

3. THE BLOODHOUND IS CONSIDERED A VULNERABLE BREED. Concerned with dwindling numbers for certain breeds, the Kennel Club drew up a list of English and Irish dogs with less than 300 official registrations. This is Porter, presented here by co-owner Evelyn Burnside. She gave me great background on this breed over at the Discover Dogs exhibit and I too got to squish his lovely chops! (Other surprises on the list of 24 included the King Charles Spaniel and the Cardigan Welsh Corgi.)

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4. YOU WILL FALL IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT/TOUCH. You might think you know what breeds you favour and then find yourself drawn to the most unlikely candidates – I cruised down aisle upon aisle of Italian Spinones, bewitched by their comical whiskers and tufts and eagerness to sniff you with that beautiful soft pink nose…

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5. WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, MAKE LEMONADE. And when your dog ‘blows its coat’ (term for excessive shedding) make socks, gloves and hats! Anji Marfleet at the Keeshond stand collected a binbag of fluff from her adorable Dutch barge dogs, had a friend spin it into yarn and knitted the most exquisitely soft extremity warmers! (Pictured here are Olympia and Tooin from Flatmeer Keeshonden.)

6. BARKING IS CONSPICUOUS BY ITS ABSENCE. 22,000 dogs pass through Crufts in four days and yet if a dog barks you find yourself turning around in surprise – that’s how curiously calm the environment is. (Not including Agility which is an adrenalin-fuelled rush and my new favourite spectator sport!)

7. STAR QUALITY SHINES THROUGH Even though you might know nothing about breed standards or the specifics the judges are looking for, some dogs just seem to have that extra allure. I watched 30 breeds compete in the Crufts 2016 Utility Finals and even up against personal favourites like the Akita and the fiendishly cute Shiba Inu, this German Spitz Klein named Jen was a stand out parader – look at that smile!

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8. THE PRIZE MONEY IS TIDDLY! The tippetty-top prize, the winner of the much-coveted Best In Show gets £200! Other categories go as low as £10. So it’s all about the prestige, the pleasure of taking part and the gleam of the trophy… (Of course professional breeders have a lot more riding on their rankings in terms of what they can charge for a Crufts heritage pup but so many owners I spoke to just relished being part of The Biggest and Best Dog Show in the World!)

9. NOTHING QUITE PREPARES YOU FOR THE SIGHT OF A POODLE IN FULL ‘FRO. Meet Huffish Dynamite Street – winner of Best in Breed at Crufts 2016. You might imagine the baubles of hair on the haunches to be densely springy but in fact they are whisper light and soft. Pro groomers can blow dry a Poodle in two hours but lovely newcomer Jane Hopkins confessed it takes her five hours to brush out her Standard Poodle Izzy’s natural curls into a Diana Ross level of fabulousness.

10. YOU MIGHT FIND A NEW CALLING! After chatting to Steph at the Groom Arts stand I now want to become a Pet Stylist! It always seemed an unfathomable art but sign up for 20 days at their Academy in Hertfordshire and you will be working on actual dogs from day one! No hairdressing or animal care experience required, they will train you expertly in every aspect. I feel a whole new world of possibility open up – watch this space because I’m going to do the One-Day Introduction and report back!

11. THE TEMPTATION TO SHOP IS OVERWHELMING. The only thing that stopped me buying everything from faux tapestry dog cushions to ultra bling collars was the thought of carrying my doggy bounty around with me for the rest of the day. Though if I had purchased the Crufts Tweed Weekender Bag I had my eye on (£75) then at least I would have had something to carry it all in… (Savvy shoppers come with wheelie bags and load up on ‘special show price’ bargains – fleeces, both for humans and to line crates seemed especially popular.)

12. CRUFTS IS LIKE A TREASURE HUNT The Birmingham NEC venue is vast and it can take a good few hours to get your bearings with all the different halls and levels and attractions. Even when you do, it doesn’t mean you will find everything you are looking for… Perusing Dog World‘s Crufts Special I spied an ad for an umbrella that could be printed with your favourite pup pic – finally something that would make me cheer when I opened my curtains to another rainy day! Even at £59 I was eager to ‘splash’ out, it was the end of the day so the timing was perfect, but I couldn’t find the stand! I was in the right hall and could see the adjacent booth numbers but not the actual one. Just as well they offer an online service! www.uniqueumbrellas.com

13. DOGS LOVE CRUFTS. I mean seriously adore it. At first I thought the air-conditioning was a little brisk but then I realized I was being fanned by a thousand wagging tails. I expected to see a few long-suffering faces but they were bright-eyed and raring to go like this Eurasier. I asked one Irish Setter owner if he and his dog experience a special kind of bonding as they compete, and a smile spread across his face. ‘I don’t even get nervous now – when we step into the ring it’s just me and Joshua.’

14. CRUFTS MAKES YOU PROUD TO BE BRITISH. As someone who frequently despairs of both myself and my fellow countryman, I’ve never felt so puffed up and longing to wear a rosette as I did around the Kennel Club posse. We truly are such a nation of dog-lovers and the British sense of humour was never more apparent than with Philippa Williams’ Gundog Display…

15. IF I EVER SHOWED A DOG AT CRUFTS I’D PICK ONE WITH SHORT LEGS There’s a lot of jogging around the ring involved in the competition but I noticed that if you pick a smaller dog with little legs then you really just have to stride briskly, which is more my pace. This little fella is Max, appearing at the show to promote the French Bulldog Welfare Trust – and reinforce the message that even if you have your heart set on a particular breed, there is always a rescue group with charming candidates looking for loving homes!

16. I WANT TO WRITE ABOUT DOGS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! And even if I lived to 125 (as old as Crufts itself) I would never run out of things to say because there is always an infinite amount of things to learn about – from new inventions (like tech that allows you to interact with your dog from the office) to new breeds (like the Eurasier, taking the best of the Chow Chow, Samoyed and German Wolf Spitz) and even healthcare issues that could save your dogs life like the Be Lungworm Aware campaign supported by Tess Daly at Crufts 2016.

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And finally… Remember you can watch the grand finale from the comfort of your sofa tonight on Channel 4 from 7-9pm. (This apt artwork from OFF THE LEASH.)